2007: Year of "The Vern"…

2007 New Year’s Resolutions:

1. I will blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blogggggggg!

2. I will ride the Honda at only 60kph in town, 90 on
highways. Not “full-bollocks” as usual.

3. I will ask my UK friends to explain ONE MORE
TIME why “dog’s bollocks” is a good thing.

4. I will get OUT of teaching full-time at a school
because my mindset is NOT made to easily deal
with the routine spontaneity that’s required to
work with Thais’.

5. I will put maximum effort into getting my lame friend
Dave to make the bold step to come here to visit. Nothing
will stop me.

6. I will put together into ONE all the books I have started
about various parts of my degenerate life.

7. I will gain back 2 kg because were it not for a shaved
head, I really would resemble Bruce Lee.

8. I will avoid entertaining thoughts and offers of making
an immoral living here.

9. I will start seriously thinking about buying a car, my
assbone is growing spurs from long-haul motorbike rides.

10. I will stop telling Thais’ “God told me to” and start
explaining myself more.

11. I will not continue to keep email silence for 3 and 4
weeks at a time with those that love me back home
- just to see how much they plead with me to write
them something to show them I’m still alive here.

12. The year 2007 will be known as the year of the
“Vern”. I will become the most well-known expat in
Thailand this year through blogging. I will be more
famous than even STICKMAN or DANA or GALT!

THEY WILL WAI DEEPLY and SO respectfully
BEFORE MY GREATNESS and tremble as if
having tsunami size piss-shivers when they hear my
name.

V - E - R - N

I am always, ALWAYS the WINNER!

If i SEE it, I kill it. This is my new mantra here
in Thailand, land of a billion bad bugs.

Far too many times since being here I noticed
a new bug flying around. I hope it lands, and
usually they land on me.

As i’m admiring it, the colors, shape and
weirdness… it bites me and sometimes the
bite is not that pleasant…

And so I KILL IT.

But, today after a long skinny bug bit me and it REALLY
hurt, I got smarter!

I realized… if i kill everything
before it bites me then I AM THE WINNER.

My uncle used to have a t-shirt, “He who has the most toys, Wins…”

My shirt would say, “He who gets the smartest, Wins…” One could
have toys out the a$ and not be having a great life… However, if
you were the smartest - you’d be smart enough to know how to have a
great life.

I think i’m on my way to this - but if you put me on a timeline I’d need
to get SCARY smart in the next few years before I die of something to
compensate for all the “slow growth” years I’ve had before these last
few.

Attitude and outlook on your life - no matter how lame your life might
be - is the key to a great life.

There are people living in caves meditating and eating rice - only rice
- and drinking a little bit of water or coconut milk everyday - and you
know what? They’re having a great life…

Me? I’m kicking my a$ to make what I think is a great life… and yet I
know it won’t be that great even if I accomplish 100% of what I’d like.

Why? Because I also know that as much as I kick my own a$$, the factors
in my environment that are beyond my control (God, statistics, evil) are
conspiring to kick my a$ to a power of 5 beyond what I’m kicking my own
a$ to do.

I’ll try to simplify…

I’m kicking my own a$ to this degree, we’ll call “A$-x”

factors outside my control are kicking my a$ to this degree:

(A$-x) x (A$-x) x (A$-x) x (A$-x) x (A$-x)

However, while I’m kicking my a$ in a positive manner… which could
lead to positive things… factors outside my control are kicking my a$
AGAINST all of those positive efforts. So - they are a reducing my positive
efforts by being a NEGATIVE a$ kicking…

hence the equation above now becomes:

-[(A$-x) x (A$-x) x (A$-x) x (A$-x) x (A$-x)]

when you add up my POSITIVE a$ kicking to environment’s negative
a$ kicking to the 5th power - it just doesn’t add up in my favor…

I’m still NEGATIVE a$ kicked to the 4th power.

So, I think I need a new outlook on life… I once married a girl that
had this awesome outlook on life… at least she SAID she did… and
I loved the saying… In fact I need to make another shirt…

my other shirt would be this…

“I am ALWAYS the winner.
If you are the winner,
then I AM ALSO the winner.

But, if I am the winner,
then I am the ONLY WINNER.”

This is a nice way to look at things… and maybe will help me get to a great
life…

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some things… I’ve experienced some things
that appear great to everyone else… but the greatest things that I ever
experienced were these two… in this order…

1. Vipassana meditation to the point of stopping the mind and having
“my” consciousness mesh with the fabric of all that is…

2. Laying down on a mattress on the floor with my son who was only a couple
weeks old… and watching him sleep as I breathed in the breath that he
exhaled… and then he slowly awoke and I watched him smile as soon as he
saw me… he just looked at me smiling for a long time and we smiled at
each other for what seems like eternity…

Bangkok Bombings on New Years Eve - Photo - Victim in Hospital

From THE NATION newspaper online:
This person was wounded at “Victory Monument”
in the New Years Eve bombings in Bangkok, Thailand.

Bangkok Bombs on New Year’s Eve - Photo

Bangkok Bombings New Years Eve - Photos

Bombs in Bangkok, Thailand on New Years Eve…

I’m sitting at home in Southern Thailand and my girlfriend called to tell me that bombs were going off at stores, over police boxes, at the train and bus stations in Bangkok.

Nobody is too surprised, but there are people dead and this will be the cause of a lot of change in the next year or so…

Of BIG interest to me is what the military junta does about it… There are rumors that these are people AGAINST the junta… and of course those that suspect muslim insurgents of finally making their way up to Bangkok to up the ante by a power of 10.

If it’s insurgents it will affect tourism in a big way. If some rogue folk against the military government in charge - probably not that big of an effect.

Yesterday the news in the paper was that 2 teachers were shot dead in their truck in the south and then their bodies pulled out into the street and lit on fire. This kind of thing has been going on almost daily. Monks killed and set on fire. Children killed. Teachers, police, all sorts of government workers have been killed.

If it’s them - the military might do something major.

Curious to see what’s going to happen with tourism. Thailand has around 13 million visitors per year (usually). I think that’s the figure. Correct me if I’m wrong - please.

Bombing train stations, bus stations and places frequented by foreign visitors would probably be the work of the insurgents… that is, unless those against the ruling junta thought they could pull it off and get the insurgents blamed in the South - and make the ruling Junta look bad…

Not at all sure at this point. The bombings in Bangkok might be terrorists for all we know. Perhaps many major cities around the world will see something similar as their New Years celebrations commence. We’re ahead of most of the world here and we’d get it first.

Be safe, don’t travel just yet if you don’t have to!

Haircut Misadventures in Thailand…

Gay and Ladyboy Haircuts… Not sure why i always find the gay guys and ladyboys to cut my hair. It’s not on purpose. REALLY!

I rarely need a haircut, usually I just cut it myself. Unless I’m going to shave it - to 1cm or or something - and then I go to somebody with clippers. I’m usually in a hurry when I do this - I never plan for getting a haircut like this - I just run out and start looking in hair places.

There are roughly 700 within the city limits here - as there are in EVERY Thai city big or small. Over 700 seems to be the minimum required. These 700 are not the SAME 700 that you’ll see over time… at any point there are 500 of these 700 that are in transition… either starting their business or closing it.

It must be EVERY Thai girl’s dream to have a hair cutting place. So, at some point in their lives, maybe during many times, they open a hairdressers. Most of them fail due to NO business sense at all. Some do OK. I don’t think ANY of them make bank.

In Ubon I was driving around looking for someone and I see this girl with long straight hair… tall… cutting a woman’s hair. There aren’t any lights on in the place, it’s open air- Thai hairdresser style and the girl looks great from the street. Of course i’m in the Thai sun and my pupils are PINPRICKS because it’s so bright… and in hindsight I guess I couldn’t see that well into the room.

I park the motorbike and go in. I tell the girl I want my head shaved. She has clippers - so - no worries. I sit down and I watch her. I watch every movement. She’s a girl. Beautiful hair. Beautiful face. Nose job. Small chest. Nice waist, very thin… nice full hips and thin - this girl is very thin. Her shoulders are just a HINT more wide than maybe a girls’ should be. She is strong, and yet, not muscular. She has long fingers and nails. She moves like a woman.

She speaks just like a woman but her voice is maybe, MAYBE just a bit deep and not a natural flowing sing-song woman’s voice by any means. I’m 2 meters away from this girl and I don’t know… girl or ladyboy?

So, the 1st customer is finished and I’m next. I sit down. I thought, when I’m THIS close I’ll know. I look at everything. I look in her eyes to see if she has that ladyboy look. Whatever I think that is. I look at her legs, stomach, fingers, elbows, neck, adams apple - none, distance from armpit to elbow - a friend that runs bars in Patong told me he can usually tell (usually) by the length of the girls upper arm. A man has a shorter elbow to armpit length. A girl has a longer one. Ladyboys know this and compensate by standing in a weird way with their elbows on their waist a lot. Other women in Thailand don’t. She looked normal in that respect too. I was at a loss.

She cut my hair and I left, still wondering. Now, over the next 6 months I CONTINUED to get my hair cut there. ONLY out of curiousity. Anybody could have shaved my head, but I looked forward to going there to see if today would be the day I figured it out! And THAT DAY NEVER CAME!

What that means, is that she WAS a ladyboy. If you can’t figure out for sure - the DEFAULT truth is that she was a ladyboy. Women here are women. You can TELL a woman. But, if you can’t tell if a woman is a man - over some time - then SHE IS.

Anyway… so - recently I’m in Krabi. A seaside town that is a quick boat trip to a nice out of the way beach called “Railay beach”.

My girlfriend and I decide I need my head shaved again. We start looking and soon find a street with about 6 hair places. Most are men. I don’t go there. I saw one shop with 2 women cutting hair. We stop and go in. FINALLY, women cutting hair. WOW. I’m psyched. I’m psyched, until I see them wait on people that are arriving AFTER we did - with no mention of - “they had an appointment” or something like that… We leave. We had waited 40 minutes and so I was pi$$ed and I thought, OK, forget it - let’s get a MAN to cut it. At least it’s NOT a ladyboy.

We go in - and there are two men cutting hair. They have surgical masks over their faces which doesn’t bother me at first. They don’t look gay. I get called into the 2nd chair… and then I see it -

THE INCH LONG PINKY FINGER NAIL! UGGGH! THEN it all starts SMACKING MY SENSES at the same time… THE GAY ELEVATOR MUSIC! THE GAY MEN PHOTOS on the WALLS! THE FRESH YELLOW FLOWERS!

At the same time this is hitting me, THEN my girlfriend RAMPS UP the HORROR by AMBUSHING ME WITH SOME SPONTANEOUS VIDEO shots of my haircut!

Gay Haircut Video (large 8.9mb)

Gay Haircut Video (small 4.5mb)

JESUSH!

In the video I’m in the right side chair.

So here I am - in a 30 minute haircut with this gay guy that’’s spending WAY too much time manipulating where my head is and pulling my ear firmly but gently out of the way.. so he can make these PRECISION cuts on my head AFTER the clipper had already shaved it the way I wanted it, PLAIN.

Look at the video how he’s touching my head! LOOK at the pinky nail!!! DO I LIE? At :51 seconds in the video you can SEE the pinky nail very clearly on his left hand as he’s holding my head. I didn’t see the gay style cut coming… . Ithought he was going to just whack the sideburn area in a quick straight
line…

NOPE, he was doing a stylish staircase look on the area above my sideburns! BASTARD! I started to SCREAM but it was too late - I caught my breath instead. Hopefully he didn’t think I was all worked up over him.

So, I sat there silently while he did the other side too - so at least I matched. That’s the only way society will accept me - gotta match. So - we high tailed it out of there - he put perfumy talc on me and started to massage my neck - and that’s when I said, OK PAW LEAO! (ENOUGH) and we payed him the
50 baht ($1.30 usd) and left.

Today my hair has grown in a bit, I’m going to go out in a few minutes and see what I can find. I THINK I saw a girl that cuts hair by the house here. We’ll see… I’ll film it and post it at the thaipulse.com site in the video section if the cutter is gay or ladyboy.

Update - I actually had a GIRL cut my hair - I had to stop her before SHE also did the crazy staircase on the side of my head - but, PAW LEAO! worked and I bailed out quick.

Thailand’s Finest… "Farang Teachers!"

I’ve not been in jail in my life. Not even to walk inside one.

I’ve been on the front porch of a jail and it seemed that any
moment myself and 2 friends could be joining the 30 naked
guys that we could see plainly through the curtainless window
just 4 meters in front of our faces, crammed into their small
holding cell…

But, we paid our 1000 baht fine and they took 4 of our “illegal”
Beer Laos’ - 2 light and 2 dark, and sent us on our way with
the rest of our 2 cases and some wine and whiskey.

Now - that small brush with Thailand’s Finest was no easy sweat
off the bollocks. There was a lot of stuff going on right there
which I’ll have to write about in a future post.

This post is about Thailand’s “other” finest… the teachers.

Specifically the teachers at the school where I teach now. More
specifically, the farang teachers at the school where I teach now.
There are 12 of us I think someone said… Some from USA, UK,
Holland, and Philippines.

I’ve been living here for over 2 years. Years they’ve each lived
here: 7, 4, 3, 3, 3, 2, 6 months, 6 months, 9 months, 7 months,
5 months, and the Filipina girl we’ll leave out of this since she and
I are the only ones that don’t partake…

Partake of pot smoking.

Now, I’ve never been addicted to anything in my life. But, I’ve
worked in the mental health system in the USA and counseled
those that have been. I understand addiction. I guess you
could say I’ve been addicted to exercise in the past when I
did triathlons.

I’ve tried pot. Exactly 3 times. It was a horrible psychedelic
experience the first time and so the next time wasn’t until
12 years later. That time I felt what I was “supposed” to feel,
but still - I wondered why people liked that feeling. I hated it.

The last time it did nothing for me. Personally I could care
less if people do it. I had many friends in the states that did
it. No worries. Get caught in the states - get a year probation
first time - or something lame… even if I’m caught WITH
them I’m likely to get a blow-off sentence plus I’d pass any
test.

Anyway… so here we are… living in a foreign country where
they take drug use of any kind (except alcohol!) very seriously.
In fact, there is an often quoted number of 2000+ people that
were killed in some manner (all kinds of manners really) during
the last drug user and dealer “witch hunt” that occured just
before I got here.

Apparently Thaksin wanted to appear tough on drug use - and
so he authorized the police to take care of business -
shooting to kill when necessary. Many were shot in
the back… which shouldn’t surprise those of us who live here
- they fight the same way - bottle to the BACK of the head
without warning.

I hadn’t SEEN drug use here in Thailand among any of the locals
in Ubon and I knew many. However, I was told that it was popular
among a certain group of young people - even 15 - 18 yr olds AT
school.

I went to play some ping-pong at a co-workers house just a day or
so after coming to this school as a new teacher 9 months ago. I
brought my girlfriend, who had never seen anyone use drugs, or
even knew the name of the drugs… These clowns sit down and
start packing a bowl into a rose apple. I was shocked that these
guys, seemingly bright guys, were going to smoke POT in Thailand
inside a house that was surrounded by other houses at 7 pm on a
weeknight - in front of my innocent Thai girlfriend!

I was pissed - and yet, it’s gotta be expected I guess. People do
what they want when they want without regard to others in the USA
and it was business as usual I guess.

My girlfriend and I went upstairs and pretended to use the computer
while the 4 teachers smoked pot bowl after bowl. My girlfriend asked
me a LOT of questions. She was scared as hell. She had known victims
of the drug manhunt and probably was imagining that we were next.

Understandably.

So - we bailed out after that. Not returning… I’ve been a social recluse
since. I was told that the Filipina girl and myself were the ONLY ones
that didn’t smoke pot in the office! Not including the Thai teachers.

So, I didn’t want to hang out with anyone since my girlfriend and I do
everything together and I sure didn’t want to put either of us at risk
for some ambitious cop or neighbor with a plan to get 50,000-200,000
baht from a group of farang pot smokers.

I didn’t need the stigma attached to hanging out with them either, as
all long-term residents of TH know, the locals talk about EVERYTHING
we do. EVERYSINGLEFARKINGTHING. If you’re going out with 2 girls,
everyone knows. If you’re banging your maid, everyone knows. If you’re
smoking pot on the ferry to Koh Samui - the entire town knows and will
tell everyone that doesn’t know.

Yes, this happened too. One of our teachers from the states was smoking
bowls ON THE FERRY to Koh Samui. A Thai teacher ON the ferry saw it
and told the entire school that farang teachers from our school were
doing it.

That happened about 5 months ago. Did they smarten up? No, they
got worse.

I heard this first hand from 2 of them that were there and this is
how it was relayed to me… The two of them were at “ferry pot smoker’s”
house. I’ll call him, “Rick”. An Aussie guy acquaintance had lent Rick a
weed eater to cut the grass for a party that was to happen that next
day at the house. The guys Thai wife came, and with them came a 16
year old German kid that was here in Thailand on an exchange program.

As the wife and kid walked into the house, Rick and another teacher
were, of course, smoking pot… it’s a very regular part of their lives.

Rick asks the wife and kid if they want some Tuna Melts. They say,
sure!

Rick goes and makes some tuna melts. In the meantime the guy that
was cutting the grass came in and so there was Rick, the Aussie, the
other teacher, the wife, and the kid. The guys start smoking pot
again. The Aussie starts acting like a monkey - and blowing smoke
right into the kid’s face - and the kid is kinda freaked out. He’s trying
to avoid it, but apparently the Aussie guy is pretty belligerent about it
and blowing it repeatedly in the kid’s face.

Anyway, so they eat their tuna melts. And the kid starts flipping out.
He is having some kind of drug induced or mind-induced experience
where he thinks that Rick has laced the tuna melts with some LSD or
other drug!

Now, who is to say? I don’t know this guy THAT well to vouch for him
that he WOULD’NT do something like that. I’d like to THINK he
wouldn’t -but the whole story is very strange.

So, the kid went to the hospital and was there for 2 days. He told
EVERYONE he possibly could that Rick drugged him with the sandwiches.

He wrote internet stories about it. He told people at home. He told
doctors, nurses, and teachers from our school!

I’m sure I haven’t heard even a PORTION of the stories that have
gone on here in 9 months. I hear little since I ask little. If someone
volunteers it - I hear it.

It’s like a dream! Well, it’s a writer’s paradise anyway… so I’ll just
try to lay low until I can get the hell out of here and closer to some
sanity - maybe back to ISAAN!

ANYbody have similar experiences here? Or, if you want to write in
support of drug use here in Thailand because you’re on top of the game
write that too… tell me that I’m being paranoid…

Funny Signs and T-Shirts in Thailand

The things that Thai signs and T-shirts say are
priceless.

The funny sign below was posted on the back of
the door at a hotel I stayed at in Pattaya for a night.
The old Chinese woman that owned it spoke OK enough
to understand everything, I SAID in English, but the sign
in my room on the back of the door was really a gem…

Sure it was a 400 baht per night hotel - but, still…

“INCONVENIENT EVERYTHING!??”

Sometimes the t-shirts are funnier than the signs.

Many shirts have funny sayings with broken English
or ideas that don’t translate well into words or maybe
they’re off by a letter or more. I’ve seen
“Century 21 Doritos” shirts!

Kids will wear anything with English on them. I’ve seen
13 year old kids wearing “FU&K YOU WANKERS!” t-shirts
in BIG letters that you can’t miss.

I’ve seen boys and girls of all ages wear shirts that said
in VERY large print, “FU&K me”.

There are 9 year olds in Playboy Shirts and “Too Sexy”
shirts.

Thai people of all ages wear t-shirts written in English
that make no sense whatsoever. I doubt most of them
know what they say at all.

Some of the best ones are shirts that little old women
will have on…

There are senior citizens wearing “Sexy Girl” rhinestone
shirts or - photos of skeletons having sex - and it says
“Rock my Bones” or something else outlandish… They
catch me off-guard and make me laugh out loud
sometimes!

If you want to see more, here is a large collection of
photos taken around Thailand… the page is very large,
if you don’t have a fast connection, don’t bother…

Funny Signs in Thailand

They screw it up not just a little bit, but a LOT.
Sometimes the signs are so screwed up you can’t
even GUESS the meaning of what they’re trying to
say. I suspect many things are popped into an
online translator - a whole page of text, and then
pasted into a web site or for the printer to print.

I just found a translation service online that is very
basic, but quite helpful. In fact, if you were able
to enter some simple Thai text you’d probably be
able to figure out what the subject matter is.

Thai2english - Simple translations, cut and paste

Below is a query where I entered some Thai
text from my wife’s Thai-English translation service
and it gives great info when the mouse is held over
each word - it gives the dictionary definition of
the word and how to say it. Very cool!

See the result of Thai text I cut and pasted >

Very cool for what it does, but what it does NOT
do, and I’ve never found a decent online resource for
this, is TRANSLATE a paragraph or an SMS message
within a 60% accuracy level. It must be just about
impossible to do - or, people don’t have a serious
enough motivation to tackle the project. I know I
don’t!

Have you seen any other funny signs or t-shirts?
Have pictures? If you want them published send
them in to: ThaiPulse[-at-]gmail.com and I’ll post
them.

If you know a site that has a nice collection, let us
know that too.

Guy Beats Wife in front of 4 yr old Daughter (and other Thai Couples issues)

Guy Beats Wife in front of 4 year old Daughter…

Driving home on the motorbike last night here in our home town of Surat Thani, Thailand a guy had his “wife?” bent over backwards on a table and was strangling her while his 4 year old daughter screamed and clawed at him to pull him away from her…

“MOMMY! MOMMY!” “MOMMY! MOMMY!” “MOMMY! MOMMY!” (in Thai)…

We were driving by fast and it was very dark in that area but my girlfriend yelled in my ear, “What was that?”.

I had slowed when I heard the child screaming and I turned around and saw the guy on top of her and strangling her. Both of his hands were wrapped firmly around her throat and I’m sure she was just seconds from passing out.

I turned the motorbike around and shined the headlight on him just as he stopped and walked away from her and went back into their house/business (sewage disposal trucks in the driveway). The little girl was screaming MOMMY and fiercely grasping at her mom’s legs. Her mom stood up, stumbled a bit, and walked back toward the house screaming in a rage something at the guy that I didn’t understand.

Welcome to Thailand and the way Thai relationships are. We’ve all heard stories of someone that has seen it first-hand or heard it from their tee-rak or other. Usually a story goes something like this… a girl was murdered… everyone knew, or, many people saw it happen, but they ignored it because they thought it was a husband and wife argument.

Yeah, that’s it. They just ignored a guy beating the hell out of his wife, choking her, cutting her, shooting her, etc… because they thought it was just a relationship slaughter - which nobody gets involved in here.

It’s a pretty sick thing when there are many witnesses and yet nobody calls the police. OR, when the police are called, they either a.) don’t respond because it’s a woman/man fight. or, b.) they respond and refuse to step in because again, it’s a woman man fight -and likely a relationship fight.

In Thailand it is part of their culture that everyone looks the other way. In my experience above, there was a group of neighbors looking at him choke her and we didn’t hear anyone saying anything. Thai people don’t say anything.

Would you say something? If you were the woman and the guy got up off of you, your life was spared at least for a little longer, would you RUN away? Or stay?

Here is something I wrote on my web site about Thai Boy/Girl relationships

Here is an article that I liked from another writer about Thai Couple’s relationships and what can be expected… “Do’s and Don’ts of Dating a Thai Guy“

I’ve got more stories about relationship abuse… the next one will be about my 15 year old student and her lovely relationship with a Thai boy that is one year older and what he makes her do! Stay tuned…

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