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"Living in Thailand"
page 2
Thai Cultural Differences
There are some HUGE cultural differences between living in Thailand and
living in the USA. I will cover a few of them - but really there are
so many that a list would always be incomplete.
The most overwhelming cultural difference between Thai society and American
society is that America is BIG on responsibility for one's actions
and Thailand is not.
America is big on nailing your ass to the wall if you do something
wrong... Thais are not.
America is big on calling it like it IS. Not fluffing around
something... not glossing over something. In America they want to
know the TRUTH. The objective truth. Nothing else will do. We make
all our decisions on the truth or the volumes of information we can
find about a subject.
In Thailand this all comes second to keeping the flow going...
keeping the seemingly smooth interactions going. They DO gloss over
things. MANY things. They don't WANT to know the truth or scream the
truth or admit the truth if they know it and it screws up the flow
of things... the illusion of cohesiveness... They don't WANT to
change the illusion.
It is maddening to see happen sometimes and yet it happens often and
consistently.
They WANT to gloss over confrontation. They hate confrontations.
They want to smooth everything over like smoothing peanut butter on
bread. They want to keep everyone smiling and happy when in person.
They will lie until they turn purple to retain face.
Someone might see a man go into a hotel with a woman obviously not
his wife. The Thais will gossip to no end about it, yet if the wife
of the guy asks someone about it - it didn't happen. If the guy was
caught with PICTURES and VIDEOTAPE... he will NOT admit it either.
They will never admit it. I don't know when this is taught - but all
Thais seem to know it.
There is rarely a harsh word said in public. Rarely. But, if one is
said it may quickly escalate into a free-for-all brawl that includes
throwing bottles, cutting people open, lots of kicking and usually,
no ALWAYS, it includes multiple guys beating on 1 or 2 people at a
time. There is no such thing as a one-on-one fight here. It is
groups of people on a small number of people usually. It happens
when someone is eating dinner at an outside sit-down restaurant and
they get a wooden stick or metal bar to the back of the head. It
happens when the person's back is turned and a knife is plunged
deeply over and over without a chance for response. I have a friend living in Thailand here that for years was complacent about his safety
here even though he was living a sort of high-style life that was
known by quite a few people. He knew literally hundreds of bar girls
over the years and they all knew where he lived. He was good to them
and fair, always fair. But all it takes is someone to get upset over
a supposed wrong.
He was drinking at a public bar in a VERY public area - a tourist
area one could definitely say. He had a couple friends that had come
to visit him from out of town. They were drinking slowly and
enjoying the music, the dancers on the bar... like everyone else. A
couple Thai guys sat down without ordering anything and began to
make trouble for my friend's visitors. He responded by buying the
Thai guys a drink... mai bpen rai... no worries... have a drink on
me... So it went... he smoothed things over as he was usually able
to with 300 baht and a lot of smiles... but the Thai guys decided
they were going to scam him or get back at him perhaps for something
in the past... they ordered a bottle of Black Label Johnny Walker
Whiskey and told the bArt ender that my friend would pay for it -
that he had agreed to it! My friend was none the wiser and the
bArt ender didn't say anything to him but SHOULD have.
After a couple hours the Thai guys were quite blitzed and my friend
was ready to move on to the next club to meet up with his friends
that had left hours earlier. As he was paying for his bill he saw
that he also had a bottle of Black Label to pay for. He protested.
The Thai guys insisted he said he'd buy them their DRINKS. He
protested.
They hit him. He hit all of them. He was doing a pretty
good job of beating the 3 of them senseless when he was hit by a
heavy metal chair over the back of his skull by a tuk-tuk driver not
involved in the original fight. My friend got beat pretty good then
and was in the hospital for 3 days recovering with stitches all over
him. At least they didn't KILL him.
I don't know why but the fights
that DO happen often turn into death for someone. A bottle is broken
and bodies are cut through with the glass. I've seen it twice and
heard about it more often. It seems to be the preferred method of
fighting here. It can even happen after the victim has passed out
unconscious! Guys might continue kicking him in the head repeatedly
until they tire or police come. Usually they tire, the police aren't
all that interested in breaking up fights.
Fights happen mostly when Thais are drunk. They embarrass more
easily and are more likely to embarrass others when in that state -
as is everyone. But, the Thais just explode when they feel they are
losing "face". Face is similar to embarrassment. But different. It's
related to the individual's standing in society too. One that has a
high position in society will be embarrassed more easily. Extra care
is taken by Thais not to step too heavily on those that are in high
positions - people can die here quickly and cheaply.
I've had both
Thais and foreigners alike tell me that for 20,000 baht ($500 USD)
someone can be killed and disposed of. ANYONE. It happens often
enough. The police here are corrupt... or can be corrupted if they
happen not to be already. They are not well-paid and they often take
bribes to look the other way. In fact, to get something investigated
at all one needs to start with a contribution to the police. For a
murder investigation it might take 5000-20000 baht to get them
started to look INTO it.
The newspapers in Thailand are NOT quick to find out about killings,
fights, rapes, etc. There is little that will be found in newspapers
in smaller cities. There is just such little flow of information.
There is no central ambulance system. In smaller cities guys run
around in pickup trucks and pick up bodies at accidents. They
literally throw someone in the back of a pickup and take them to the
hospital -knowing they'll make some money for their efforts.
It isn't all negative... a foreigner can use this to his advantage
too. Not being directly responsible for anything is a nice change
actually. Any change from the USA way of doing things is welcomed.
Since living in Thailand I've noticed that Thais' have virtually no visible EGO. Buddhism is a religion or
philosophy or way of living that de-emphasizes the ego. It is so
obvious in Thai society. It is a wonderful change from the USA too!
Thai men are not 'macho' in the least. They are friendly and nice
from the start . There is no attitude to get over between two men
strangers like there usually is in America. There are never hard
looks from Thais to foreigners that are complete strangers. NONE.
I've never experienced it.
When I arrived I was SURE it was happening. However, the guys were
just looking at me because I am a foreigner and they're curious
about me - how I look, my eyelids, my nose bridge, the clothes I'm
wearing... my blonde hair. They don't mean anything by it. I know
this because I started smiling at them when they looked and it was
like I just snapped them out of their trance. They would suddenly
get red in the face and laugh like they were embarrassed and look
away. It was like I caught them looking - and they were so shy. It
was so awesome to see it. It happens more in the small cities than
the big ones - but it happens continually.
The Thais almost never use the word "I". Whether they are speaking
English or Thai - the word "I", "me" is nearly absent from their
vocabulary. In the year and a half that I've known my Thai
girlfriend I have ONLY heard her say "I" when I asked her directly
if she wanted something. That is it. Never without a direct question
asking her. She never voices her opinions or wants or needs to me if
they are frivolous or not important. In America I can't COUNT the
number of times I used the "I" pronoun in one day. When I came here
too - I started to notice it because none of the Thais were doing
it! I really noticed it when I had a visitor from Florida come to see
me. She is a lawyer and has a master's degree in psychology.
Everything was "I, I, I" and she was very worried about things
back in the states.
It made me remember life in the states and it was depressing a bit. I loved seeing her though after so many years... But I'm nowhere near the same person I was then. Thailand is good
for a personality change.
Arrival at BKK International Airport (Bangkok)
When I arrived in Bangkok I didn't feel that out of place. There
were thousands of foreigners already living in Thailand and visiting
here and most spoke English. The Thai
workers at the hotels and restaurants spoke English enough that we
understood each other. I was able to make my way around without too
much trouble. I then went to Phuket to see the guy I had met online. He had lived
there for 2 years and offered me a room to stay in for a while at
just 200 baht per day ($5 USD). We got along well. He's from the
midwest USA and was enjoying the isolated life he was living in
Phuket coming out rarely in the daytime and staying up all night. He
showed me the bars, the girls, the wild times. I stayed there for
over a month before I decided that the bars would BECOME my life if I didn't leave. I loved Phuket - it's so gorgeous - similar to
Hawaii and yet so much cheaper. It didn't have the magic feeling of
Hawaii though - the pureness... the untaintedness... that I felt every time I was
there.
Isaan! (The Northeast of Thailand) I decided to go to a Buddhist templein the Northeast of Thailand
and talk about the experiences that happened during meditation with
the monks that were there. There are lots of foreign monks there. I
took the train there and the whole time on the train I was saying -
wow, this is remote. This is remote. There's nothing out here. The
town, Warin Chamrap, is 600 km from Bangkok. There really is LITTLE
around there. The wat is simple - a forest wat. There are lots of
monks there - maybe 50? They were nice and explained the things that
scared me so many years prior. Normal phenomena. They asked me to
stay and continue the journey. I declined, having not been in the
mood anymore to continue meditation after my frightening
experiences. (I posted some
meditation journal
stuff here.) I took a tuk-tuk to the next big town - Ubon Ratchathani. I wanted
to stay and walk around a bit, get a feel for it. I was trying to
find a place to live that I would like. Ubon was it. I loved it! The
people were just incredibly nice and genuine. They helped me do
anything I needed to do! They would close their workplace just to
take me to find an apartment to look at!
They gave me free Buddhist amulets at a jewelry store - about 30 of
them when I offered to pay for them - they were antique and
apparently not really for sale - but when I asked for them - they
were just given to me. FREE! They would not accept money for them! I had many meals bought for me there by Thai people that may not
have really been able to afford it. I really came to like the place. I stayed for over a year and a half! I wanted to live in an 'anti-USA' way for a while. I was seriously,
dangerously close to having mental breakdowns from the stress there
and I needed to divorce myself from that way of life. I stayed in one-room studio apartments and dorm rooms with no air
conditioning, no hot water... a toilet that was outside, 30 steps
away. I bought nothing I didn't absolutely need. I had brought little with
me to Thailand - 2 pair of jeans. 2 pair of shorts. 5 shirts. Socks
& undies. I brought my Teva sport sandals and some running shoes. I
brought about 30 music cds and a couple mp3 cds with a couple
hundred songs on each.
Hmm, other than that I don't think I brought
anything. Oh, I did bring copies of my bachelors and master's
degrees to show to schools to get jobs. I bought a cell phone for 4000 baht (100usd) which I used for over a
year. The cell phones here are (were) much more advanced than the
ones found in the states. The calling plans - the networks - are so
much easier to use and choose from. One buys a small electronic card
- a SIM card that attaches inside the phone. You can switch them at
will. The SIM can store phone book entries, text messages, etc. You
can buy one for 5 dollars USD and have a phone number that comes
with it. You then buy phone cards with secret numbers that you enter
onto your phone and dial up the company to approve them. You are
then loaded with cell phone baht - to make calls until it runs out.
Recently I called back home to the states with my cell using a 008
prefix and I was only charged 5 baht per minute for the call! That's
15 cents USD per minute.
There's no limit to the number of phone numbers you could have...
you could have 25 phone numbers if you wanted!
Everyone text messages to each other here by phone. It's called SMS.
In the first year I was here I stumbled upon a counter in my phone
that registered the number of SMS messages I sent and received for
the past year - since I had the phone... over 4000 messages
sent. Over 3000 received. Well, that was back when I was
a dumb foreigner and I was paying 5 baht EACH sent SMS. So -
adding up the numbers wasn't pleasant...
Anyway, besides these things I bought only some clothes that I
needed to wear at school - Thais are picky about wearing the right
clothes - looking the part of a teacher. I rented a motorbike from a
friend that was renting it because she was a student at college. I
got it for just 800 baht per month - about 20 dollars per month. I
paid her 1100 so she could make some money off me and we had a deal.
The motorbike was new and ran perfectly. Gas, though it's as
expensive here in Thailand as in the USA - is still cheap when
filling up the motorbike. Not at all like filling up the Lexus RX300
in Florida every couple days. Now I heard that gas is around 3
dollars per gallon! WOW.
Working in Thailand: Teaching English of Course I found a job teaching English at a elementary government school
that had a 59 year old obnoxious American guy teaching there. I was
95% sure was being sexually abusive to the kids and 100% sure he was
being physically abusive to them.
Below is a copy of the report I wrote to the department of
education. I had it translated into Thai and then decided not to
give it to them. I gave it instead to the head of the school and the
administrator that was responsible for spearheading the mini-English
program at the school. Had I given it to the department of education I would have caused such a loss of face for some high ranking people
in the community that I might have had a knife coming my way in the
near future. I decided to stifle my anger and stop talking about it
much. After all, I wasn't 100% positive that more than I was seeing
was actually happening. What I saw was enough, that much is sure. If
I'd have seen more I'd have killed him myself.
The decision to shut up was a wise one I think. I remember writing
my friend about the x-rated stuff he was shooting in Thailand and
telling him to be safe... and about Thais losing face and how they
will get back at him for it sometime... and then it hit me... WOW - I was about to push this letter as high as it would go and cause as
many problems for those involved as I possibly could... and what the
hell did I know about Thai culture? I would have caused way too much
trouble and loss of face for the Dr. that started the English
program at the school as well as the guy in charge of the school
since neither did anything about the physical abuse incidents or the
alleged sexual abuse incidents.
Here is the letter I gave them...
************************************************
I've changed Gary's last name to only reflect the first initial and I changed the name of the school to "Anuban School".
14 June 2005
This is the second letter I’ve written regarding Gary S's behavior
in the classroom at Prathom 1 at Anuban School.
At 10:10 am this morning I entered the Prathom 1 office and saw Gary
S. sitting on the floor with a female student. Sunee was also there
with them. Gary was explaining what would happen the next time the
student did what she wanted to do. I went to the copy machine and looked at the girl and Gary. Gary was
hugging her with his whole right arm and had his hand on the girl’s
right thigh (upper leg). Gary was rubbing her thigh and patting it
gently as he talked into her ear. I told him, “Take your hand off her leg Gary.” He ignored me. Sunee
looked at where his hand was on her upper thigh. I said again,
“Gary, take your hand off her leg.” Gary answered, “Stay out of
this.” He then moved his hand lower on the girl’s leg to her calf. I
said, “I see that you moved your hand away from her thigh, down to
her calf, so you know did something wrong, right?” Then I said, “So,
you know that I saw you, right Gary?” Gary said nothing.
Gary S's behavior was VERY inappropriate (wrong) considering:
1. It is never considered acceptable in America for a 59 year old
man to be holding a girl in his arm or arms on the floor.
2. It is NEVER considered acceptable in America for a 59 year old
male teacher to be rubbing or patting a 6-7 year old girl’s thigh
for any reason.
3. Sunee was close by. If there was some comforting that needed done
Sunee could have done it.
4. Gary S. has a VERY questionable background interacting with young
children at this school. Meaning, Gary S. has done many, many
inappropriate behaviors with children at this school (many
“accidents” in which children were hurt). I have seen Gary S. exhibit other questionable behaviors which I
will list below.
1. On a day in January of this year I was standing outside the
Prathom 1 classroom and I saw Gary through the open door. Yeen had
been crying about something and was standing between Gary’s open
legs. Gary had his hands resting on Yeen’s shoulders. Gary then
grabbed Yeen’s face with both hands and pulled Yeen’s face to him.
Gary kissed him hard on the face or lips and at the same time looked
over Yeen’s shoulder to see if anyone had seen him do this.
2. During a 2-week period before the last school term ended I
observed Gary in the classroom. There were 3 different days that I
saw Gary lift up Rakfa, and turn her upside down so that her skirt
did not cover her underwear. Her underwear was showing to the class
and was only about 1 foot away from Gary’s face.
3. During this same time period there were a few times that Gary
mentioned that some of the girls in Prathom 1 always had their skirt
up and their underwear showing. He would point out girls that had
their underwear showing. Gary seemed to find it very interesting
because he would keep telling me when it happened.
4. There were many, many times I saw Gary hugging students by
pulling them against him with both arms, as they stood between his
open legs as he sat in his office chair.
5. On Monday, June 13th, 2005 I entered the Prathom 1 office to ask
Gary if he had any balls the kids in Prathom 2 could play with
outside. Gary told me that he always had 2 balls with him and then
said, “Oh, you mean balls for sports”… This is a common joke in
America between male friends that feel very comfortable with each
other. However, it is NEVER used in the workplace or when asked
about balls available for CHILDREN to play with. I do not feel
comfortable with Gary. I believe that he is pre-occupied about sex
as a topic and will talk about sex at any opportunity he gets in the
office. Please ask Ajahn Sunee about some of the inappropriate
sexual things he has spoken to her about.
Gary S. has hurt no less than 7 children physically in just 1 year
of teaching. Children have been pushed down, held down and made to
cry, sprayed in the eyes with heavy duty window cleaner, and bruises
made on their arms as a result of Gary S. WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN
BEFORE YOU REACT?
The problem with Gary is not only what we SEE HAPPENING. The problem
is that there are likely many things that we DO NOT SEE HAPPENING.
What else is he doing? Are the children in his class safe? Do the
parents care if he rubs the thigh of their daughters or sons? Do the
parents want him to lift their daughter up so the child’s underwear
shows? Do the parents want a male teacher to hug the students
between open legs and against his groin?
In America these behaviors are never tolerated. Physical and sexual
abuse of children is taken very seriously and there are rarely ANY
second chances given. I believe that Gary is exhibiting many
behaviors that are NOT to be done with small children. But, I am
from another country with different ideas about what is right and
what isn’t right – so I will ask you to look at the situation and
decide what is best for your children.
This is the 2nd letter I have written regarding Gary’s negative
behavior here at Anuban School. PLEASE DO SOMETHING!
Sincerely,
{name here}
Teacher, Mini-English Program
[school name listed here]
*************************************************************
Instead of pursuing the case against the jackass, after I handed in
this letter and waited for two weeks for something to be done and
nothing was I
decided to leave the school on short notice and move to a different
school and not talk about anything much anymore. If someone asked my
opinion of the school and the foreigner teaching there I would tell
the story, but I didn't shout it from the high buildings like I had
been planning.
In hindsight I probably should have LEFT the city immediately after
giving the letter to the depart ment of education because I'm sure I
had already stirred things up so much that there was some major loss
of face. Knowing a little more now after 18 months more in the
country I would have left the city and moved quickly.
Thailand is a safe place and yet even a normal person can find
himself in some kind of trouble that isn't quite understood...
something that just might get him killed. Yes, I'm paranoid a bit
since turning 40 years old - but still, Thailand is a place that you
must understand some basic things before causing a fuss about
ANYTHING. Understanding loss of face is essential.
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