I saw an article in The Nation today about a Thai man that set himself on fire in a street. Why did he do it? From the looks of the article, I’m going to guess it had a lot to do with the face he was going to lose when he couldn’t give his family money so they could hire rice pickers for the harvest.
The family was counting on him for money apparently and he wasn’t able to give it because his employer cheated him out of the money (which may or may not really be the case – but no matter).
I’ve written about the Thai concept of ‘face’ a few times here at this blog and also at some of my other sites. Without going deeply into it – face is the backbone of Thai social interaction. Face is akin to respect or value… worth in Thai society. A Thai person gains face by doing the right thing in the eyes of others. He gains face when he overlooks mistakes or errors by another person and instead encourages the person to try to do better the next time. He gains face when he has friends in high paying or highly respectable positions in Thai culture and is seen with those friends. He gains face when he has accumulated wealth himself or in some position of power.
Losing face occurs when someone tells a truth that hurts to your face or behind you back. If someone is gossiping about you behind your back you are losing face with those people because you’re being spoken about negatively. The things said might be right on and truthful, or they might be lies but either way – face is lost when you find out.
Losing face occurs when a man’s girlfriend goes with another guy instead of him. Thai men will often kill the other man or kill the girlfriend. Thai women usually kill themselves it seems.
Losing face might occur if you have a temper that easily flares up and causes you to become loud in public or to hit someone or worse. Losing temper or getting emotional (negative) causes loss of face. Being stupid and being found out causes loss of face. Gambling and losing a lot will have people talking and you’ll lose face. Being wrong and having someone point it out causes a loss of face.
Losing face is something every Thai strives to avoid – even more so than building face because I think naturally all Thais have an idea in their mind that everyone else has face until they lose it. It’s a given that people have a decent level of face until they show that they don’t deserve it.
For some reason the man that killed himself by fire was going to lose face whether because he wasn’t bright or quick enough to see that his employer was going to screw him out of his pay or whether he was just powerless to do anything about it when he found out he was going to be screwed out of his money. It doesn’t matter whether he lost it gambling it away or for whatever other reason – the whole point is that he couldn’t pay his family money they were counting on to be able to harvest their rice. He was going to face a severe loss of face within his family and that was unacceptable to him.
It brings to mind some discussions I’ve had with my girlfriend about her needing to give money to her parents because they can’t take care of themselves anymore. I understand it in her case. I’ve met her entire family and my girlfriend was basically brought up by her aunts and uncles because her parents couldn’t do it. Literally, couldn’t. I won’t go any deeper than that about it.
When your Thai girlfriend or Thai husband or whoever tells you that they need to send back a couple of thousand baht to their family so they can help support them it’s really in your best interest to do so. A couple of thousand baht – even 5,000 baht – I don’t see a problem with. If you’re sending 10,000 or more baht each month I guess if there were extenuating circumstances then it might still make sense. Anything over that and I’d have to wonder – why must it be so much?
I’ve met guys here in Thailand that sends 0 baht per month and I’ve met guys that send 25,000 per month to their Thai tee-rak’s family. 25,000 baht is a lot of money for family support each month and in my mind wouldn’t be justified for any but the most urgent need – perhaps your tee-rak has 17 kids that her parents are taking care of or maybe her mother needs some 24-hour nurse care and dialysis that costs a lot of money, or something like that.
Sending something is probably necessary – especially if the family knows the daughter or son has a farang partner. All their needs must be taken care of, so now the son or daughter should take care of the parents needs too. It’s Thai societal expectation – this is the way life goes. A son or daughter loses a lot of face if they can’t contribute to ma and paw’s monthly income. After all – the son or daughter went to college and can get a decent job making more than enough to take care of their own monthly expenses AND send some home. That’s the whole goal. That’s the reason most young educated Thais head for Bangkok to work outrageous hours (10-14 per day a lot of them with the commute). They need to make enough for themselves AND their parents. Girls have it extra hard it seems like because frequently the sons are screw-offs and don’t send money home to help. The family forgives this – but the girls are then held to a higher standard. The girls are put under more pressure to come through then.
So, this guy set himself on fire in the middle of a street which showed me how much face means inside a Thai person’s head. It’s everything to them. It’s their whole world. If you cause a Thai to lose a lot of face – they might as well burn themselves in the street – the pain is less than they feel inside over losing a considerable amount of face.